"Grown Up"

When I think of my age and the fact that in only a few months I will be 27 I can't help but feel OLD. I don't know why. The number just sounds old to me. I wonder why it sounds so old when I myself don't even feel like a grown up yet. Is there ever a point when you feel "grown up"? What does it mean to be "grown up" anyway?
Dictionary.com defines "grown up" as reaching the age of maturity. So I've been "grown up" for almost 10 years and still I feel like a large child? At the age of 18 I purchased my first home. I then separated with the man I bought this home with and lived the life of working to survive and pay the mortgage. The years when I should have been out partying and exploring I spent working full time and watching $2.00 movies while I ate granola bars for dinner because I had a mortgage to pay for. When I was 22 I got married. I now live the typical adult life of working full time, paying the mortgage, coming home to my husband, cooking full course meals and planning for our future. Shouldn't I feel "grown up"???
I don't feel like I have missed out on anything. I did enough partying when I was a teenager to last my whole life. I've never enjoyed dating and venturing out on my own without careful planning just isn't who I am. The one thing I wish I did more of was travel however I don't believe this will make me feel "grown up".
I wonder if I am confusing this term for "complete?" There was a time shortly after my wedding when I felt my life was complete. I now believe as humans we are meant to constantly learn and grow and therefore we will never feel complete for long. Am I wrong? Are there people out there that feel completely whole, like they have it all and nothing could improve. Maybe I have to wait until I have had kids and they are "grown up" to finally feel like I have moved on from where I am now, a large inquisitive child with dreams of finding out what my true dreams really are? The only thing I really know for sure is that when my time comes to leave this world I want to have that feeling, that I have lived life, learned, experienced, "grown up" and feel complete.

Reflection

I apologize in advance if this post is hard to follow. I feel I am long overdue for writing here, and although I have many things to write and express I have no logical order of how to spew them all out. So I'm just going to wing it. It's a New Year and it's time to reflect.
I was recently asked to express my feelings about 2011 by one of the only people in my life who truly knows my inner thoughts, fears and feelings. The truth is there aren't many people I feel I can be completely honest with. I don't often express my true feelings for two reasons; one my fear of hurting others and two my fear of being hurt/ridiculed. The fact that I don't often express out loud what I am feeling might in part explain the numbness I currently feel towards life. It's not that I'm depressed, I just feel like every day is flashing by so quick that I don't have time to absorb my thoughts and feelings and really connect with the world and others. I have OCD and if I have a thought about something that needs to get done, even if it's something really small, I can't sit down or relax unless I do it. These thoughts interrupt any little time I have for myself and I end up being unable to focus on anything, even watching tv, until I finish the task that has passed through my mind. Working full time, doing school in my spare time, being a wife and mother of 6 animals and trying to find time for friends, family and leisure activities seems impossible right now.
Back to where I was going with this... my feelings about 2011. I believe when I was asked this question my exact words were, "It was just another year, just like every other year, full of good things and bad things." The truth is I couldn't think of one really extraordinary thing that happened this year. There were good things, like checking off a few things from my bucket list (learning to snowboard and starting University) and making some good memories with friends and family, but nothing so unbelievably good happened this year that changed the way I look at life. Unfortunately there were some really terrible things that happened in 2011 that did make me take a deeper look at my life. I lost a friend that was very close to my heart. He was far too young to die and far too talented and generous to leave this earth when he did. He died of a stroke while I was vacationing in Mexico. I fear that he didn't know just how highly I thought of him or how important his friendship was to me. That even though we weren't spending as much time together as we once did, I still thought of him often and he had a special place in my heart. Some of my best times were with him and it really made me think of how important it is to make time for those people while we still have the chance. This year I am going to try harder to express my appreciation to everyone in my life. I'm sad to say that just before Christmas I found out my grandmother has cancer. I have made a point to connect with her and cherish the time she has left. I hate death. I hate that we are forced to feel the pain of losing loved ones. There were other struggles in my personal life that have been very challenging. I will not go into detail about this but can say I have faced some situations I never hoped would be an issue.
Now that it is a new year I feel.......? Well I'm not sure how I feel. I know that this year will be filled with good and bad just like every other year. I am anxious to experience the good I know is to come and dreading going through the bad. I know there will be days I want to live in forever and others I wish away. Regardless of what happens the world will keep spinning and people will go on living their lives. This year I hope to find a balance in my life. I'm going to try to be more present in the good times so I can appreciate them more and they can help me make it through the bad.

Bucket List

Last year instead of creating a New Year's Resolution I decided I would sit down with my husband and we would talk about our goals, dreams, and what we really wanted to experience before we 'kicked the bucket.' Here is the list I came up with:

1. Learn to snowboard
2. Learn to speak another language
3. Learn to play guitar
4. Go on a volunteer trip to another country and help build homes/schools
5. Travel the Oregon Coast
6. Fly in a helicopter
7. Go on a zip line adventure
8. Get a post secondary diploma
9. Go para sailing
10. Go to a Canucks game
11. Travel to Italy and Greece
12. Move to another country for 6 months or more
13. Have a child
14. Build/design my own home
15. Take up photography

This year is almost over and I'm happy to say I have begun checking things off my list. I took up snowboarding in January and loved it! I have also enrolled in University and have started to learn Spanish. Creating this list has given me a new look on life and things to look forward too. I also made sure to leave room on the list and add to it. I've created a scrapbook for both mine and my husbands lists and put pictures of us doing our bucket list activities. I can't wait to see what we will do next!

(This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details.)

Hot Summer Nights

Last night I met up with the family at Riverside Park to watch Pirates 4. It's nights like last night that I love living in Kamloops. It was the perfect summer night. Great entertainment (whoever thought of playing movies outside on giant inflatable screens is genuis!), great company (I love my family), and a gorgeous sunset!!!

Simple Sundays

Sun Peaks Resort, BC Canada.