I apologize in advance if this post is hard to follow. I feel I am long overdue for writing here, and although I have many things to write and express I have no logical order of how to spew them all out. So I'm just going to wing it. It's a New Year and it's time to reflect.
I was recently asked to express my feelings about 2011 by one of the only people in my life who truly knows my inner thoughts, fears and feelings. The truth is there aren't many people I feel I can be completely honest with. I don't often express my true feelings for two reasons; one my fear of hurting others and two my fear of being hurt/ridiculed. The fact that I don't often express out loud what I am feeling might in part explain the numbness I currently feel towards life. It's not that I'm depressed, I just feel like every day is flashing by so quick that I don't have time to absorb my thoughts and feelings and really connect with the world and others. I have OCD and if I have a thought about something that needs to get done, even if it's something really small, I can't sit down or relax unless I do it. These thoughts interrupt any little time I have for myself and I end up being unable to focus on anything, even watching tv, until I finish the task that has passed through my mind. Working full time, doing school in my spare time, being a wife and mother of 6 animals and trying to find time for friends, family and leisure activities seems impossible right now.
Back to where I was going with this... my feelings about 2011. I believe when I was asked this question my exact words were, "It was just another year, just like every other year, full of good things and bad things." The truth is I couldn't think of one really extraordinary thing that happened this year. There were good things, like checking off a few things from my bucket list (learning to snowboard and starting University) and making some good memories with friends and family, but nothing so unbelievably good happened this year that changed the way I look at life. Unfortunately there were some really terrible things that happened in 2011 that did make me take a deeper look at my life. I lost a friend that was very close to my heart. He was far too young to die and far too talented and generous to leave this earth when he did. He died of a stroke while I was vacationing in Mexico. I fear that he didn't know just how highly I thought of him or how important his friendship was to me. That even though we weren't spending as much time together as we once did, I still thought of him often and he had a special place in my heart. Some of my best times were with him and it really made me think of how important it is to make time for those people while we still have the chance. This year I am going to try harder to express my appreciation to everyone in my life. I'm sad to say that just before Christmas I found out my grandmother has cancer. I have made a point to connect with her and cherish the time she has left. I hate death. I hate that we are forced to feel the pain of losing loved ones. There were other struggles in my personal life that have been very challenging. I will not go into detail about this but can say I have faced some situations I never hoped would be an issue.
Now that it is a new year I feel.......? Well I'm not sure how I feel. I know that this year will be filled with good and bad just like every other year. I am anxious to experience the good I know is to come and dreading going through the bad. I know there will be days I want to live in forever and others I wish away. Regardless of what happens the world will keep spinning and people will go on living their lives. This year I hope to find a balance in my life. I'm going to try to be more present in the good times so I can appreciate them more and they can help me make it through the bad.